i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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