My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
