I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
