if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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