i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
