he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
