im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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