two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
