but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize