I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
