atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize