hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
