I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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