I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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