im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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