AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
