come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
