non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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