Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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