my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize