He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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