No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
