it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
