I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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