If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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