Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize