then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
