I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
