i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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