i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
