he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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