I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
