Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
