Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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