i will never coherently bang her
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
