Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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