i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
