i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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