Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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