4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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