The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
