Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
