He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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