someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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