I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
