my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
