Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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