i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
