If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
