Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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