i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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