working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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