i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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