I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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