im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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