Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
