i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
