Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
